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I have been having quite the difficult time with this weight loss thing. I did lose 16lbs, but I gained some back... I have been going to the gym often and watching what I eat, but it just doesn't seem to be good enough. My weight has been constantly fluctuation, but the inches somehow managed to stay off my waist.

I haven't talk to my friend in a while. I asked for some time a few days ago, but shes still calling me off the hook. I don't know what she doesn't understand about "I need some space"... I bet its the "I" part.
I haven't really talked to her about suffocating me and making me feel really uncomfortable yet, I just don't know how to drop the bomb. I am beginning to think that I am keeping this friendship for all the wrong reasons and that I should shake myself free for once and for all.

I had a massive pressure headache the other day, went to bed early because of it and when I woke up from tossing and turning I could have sworn there was a face looking at me from the hallway... I let out a yelp and Jason cuddled me back to sleep. I might have been having a nightmare or maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me. I hate sleeping with the door open to my bedroom for this reason... Its strange in the hall at night... I think it was eyes, or at least I hope so.

I remember when I was younger I thought I saw someone looking at me from the closet I screamed, ran downstairs and told my parents... my father decided that I needed to get over my fears and made me walk around the basement three times in the pitch dark and I was petrified... again, my eyes were more than likely playing tricks on me.

I have had this friend that I will call "Tara" since I was 18 years old. I was always very close with Tara and would usually hang out with her after school and weekends when I wasn't working... At the end of the summer I left for a program called Katimavik... we managed to stay in touch and remain friends and talked about many of our plans for my return 9 months later (no, I was not pregnant)

While I was away I changed and "Tara" stayed the same. I grew tremendously and was starting to define who I was as a person. When I got home I noticed these changes and I noticed that "Tara" wasn't really the best person to be around all the time, so I starting making new friends. Tara and I still hung out from time to time and I fulfilled all our plans for the summer. She started getting angry with me because all I ever did was hang out with my other friends and we cut off the friendship for a little while. Tara and I became friends again in late September and her jealously continued... She would call and ask where I was and why I wasn't at home and so forth. It became less and less amusing over time. I started clubbing in late October that year. If I didn't want to go out she would pressure me and make a big deal out of things. I continued going on my own free will when I chose to.

I started dating someone in January. I had plans to go out with another friend but was ditched for a guy... I was a little angry but sucked it up (a different friend) because I had met a guy too :) I had plans to meet this guy after 12 on new years. I ended up going to another friend's party just to say hello and see what was going on... Tara happened to be at this party too and when I announced I was leaving at around 12 she became livid with me. I asked what the problem was and she said nothing. I wasn't about to change my plans because she was having a famous temper tantrum. I didn't tell her that i started a relationship with the guy that I was meeting and she was furious when she found out. We ended our friendship again for a year after this. When she became pregnant I sent her a gift from my boyfriend and I because my b/f and I are friends with her b/f (at the time)

Tara and I started to talk again for the third time... slowly we became more and more acquainted with each other. I couldn't hang out with her a lot though... because of school and she understood. I figured that she was getting more mature .

I finished school in early April for the summer. She calls me 24/7 asking me "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!" and if I say not to much she'll reply with "okay, I'm coming to pick you up" if I say I'm busy she'll get angry with me and claim that she isn't. She will pick me up for coffee which will last for at least four hours... yeay... (insert sarcasm) too far for me to get home by myself... keep me out later than the buses run... and when I ask to go home she'll say 10 more minutes.

I don't really know what to do anymore. She calls my cell phone all hours of the night and day asking me to go out. When I go out with her during the day she hardly watches her child... leaving me to make sure the kid doesn't get hurt.

If she picks me up and there is someone else in the car she ignores me until that person is dropped off. She insists that she is always right. She makes out of left field comments about everyone including myself and talks about everyone elses business!

Despite everything, she is a good person she just has a way with words and making me nuts! I have been avoiding her calls now for a week. My cell has been off and I have been placing myself on appear offline on msn and facebook. I feel childish doing these things, but it seems to be the only way I can have peace. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment with family members being sick and she knows that, but she still refuses to respect my boundaries. I Haven't talked to her about any of this, shes the types of person to get really angry and take it the wrong way...

I don't know how to tell her shes being a pain in my F&^W%ing ass without hurting her feelings.


Anyway,

any comments would be appreciated!

P.S - Sorry for spelling mistakes and such... I'm way too lazy to edit this :P

Sabotaged...

I suppose tomorrow is another day.

Right now, things seem to be going well for me... school is out, I got the apartment, I have a cool summer job (that starts soon!) and above all, weight loss. I am so glad that these things have been going so great, but... I managed to mess some things up today. I got a hold of my father's phone number and you bet I stupidly called it. We faught, and it ended in a "call me when you decide to grow up from his end" I suppose it was called for, afterall I did call his side of the family a bunch of douche bags and decided to set the tone unpleasently. I let it go, then called back twenty minutes later. He wasn't home, so I told his room mates to tell him to brace himself for my next call. I knew this would make him slightly happy, but instead of calling him back I let him experience what I experienced as a kid... waiting... and then realizing that there would be no call... It would have worked out well, except for one thing... He some how managed to remember all seven numbers to my grandparent's phone number. Luckily, my nanny is in Cuba, she would be having a shit storm right now, stressing and getting antsy and setting her own tone with him.

I'm not quite sure what I have walked myself into, but I should have thought about my moves before I made them... I have been trying to reach him for some time. I have done so much over the years and have accomplished many things. I guess a part of me, under all of the bitterness wants him to know that.
I am too forgiving and generous with my feelings, I shouldn't lay everything on the line... He is my father, I suppose he does have the right.

So, we're not going to BC this summer, we're moving instead. We can't live in this apartment anymore, especially after the happenings of Saturday night. I hate the people downstairs! I don't feel much like getting into it, but let it be known that they have some nerve, the police were called and my door is now cracked... I am less than thrilled.

The apartment that we are looking at is actually in Alicia's building (classmate) they have dishwashers, underground parking and heat and hydro is included! So, its pretty much sold itself to us, we just have to see it. I am not too thrilled about the location, but I can deal with that.

In other news, I have lost 10lbs and 5 inches! I'm super stoked! I'm trying to lose a lot more, but I am going to take it slowly. I know it will take some time and a lot of efforts on my part...

I know it, and I know they know it too... I didn't do the greatest on the placement interview. I was honest when I didn't know the answer's though. I know my strength and my weaknesses and I tried my hardest. I will hear back from them next week, I'm not sure if I will get a placement with them or not. I would really like to be a part of their program, but if they don't pick me, I okay with that. I think that a lot of my fear comes from being embarrassed if I don't make it, but I shouldn't be embarrassed. I tried, went there, I smiled, I brought everything I knew to the table and for that I think I was brave. I don't always handle interviews the greatest, I often fidget and second guess myself and so forth. It is definitly a something I need to work harder at.

I am still torn with this field, I want to continue the program regardless of my findings. I have a really enjoy working with developmentally delayed children and adolescence. I love teaching life skills, providing hands on learning experiences and enriching my skills in the process. I think that it might be something that I would rather be doing with myself. I like youth working, its great, but I don't know if I can see myself doing it forever. It all seems so draining and over baring at times... at times very stressful and I get stressed easily. I have a big heart, I am patient and empathetic, caring and am a good listener, but I don't feel as though I have the long term ability to give this field everything that it needs.

I enjoy my programs, its fantastic learning new things and being apart of the big picture, but I think the route of an educational assistant at a school for developmentally delayed children might be more for me. I guess in time I will figure it out, I still have time for it, after all I am still young.

I just ate a shyte load of sushi... calorie total estimation... 400ish not too shabby. I'm full, happy and alive!

I have my interview for placement today, I had to eat something before leaving, I feel like I am going to die of nervousness!

Ohh! Last night I did school work for 6.5 hours, the only thing left for me to do is a cheat sheet for adolescence! I can feel the chains loosening up, I'm almost free for the summer!

No more Psychology
No more Counseling
No more Therapeutictic!

DONE, DONE and DONE!

I got the job at the YMCA, I am going to be a camp counselor for children who are developmentally delayed. I'm super excited and I'm glad that I made it through the lengthly process, really it took a long time. It doesn't pay much and doesn't start until the end of June, but I'm still excited regardless.  I will also have a free YMCA membership to the Y as a complimentary thing for being an employee. I guess I don't really need it considering I am a member at another gym, but its there if I do want to use it. I wouldn't mind seeing what they are asking for personal trainer sessions... I would love to have someone to work with, the other place was too costly, and I also didn't want that douche bag guy getting ANY money from me, he can rot in the depths of hell.

I don't know why, but I have all of the nine inch nails albums on my computer. I don't even really care for them. I can't get away from it... every single time I put my music on it plays. They're horribly depressing, really... just take a listen... and the song 'closer' is disgusting. No, please... don't #%$^# me like an animal, I wouldn't like that, honest.

School has been alright this week, I'm debating on not going to school tomorrow, I hate pharmacology, its such a waste of time... She even tricks us into coming by telling us we have import lessons after presentations. Perhaps she's lazy? Maybe she has a lesson in the cards, and then when she realizes that it requires doing her job she says of F it. I am wondering how those test results are coming though... I really do not want to have to rewrite that damn thing. If the entire class fails a test, I think thats a good indication that you fail, its your problem, just give us all 90's and call it a day, and while you're at it do it for the next test too.

I don't really care about anything anymore, I figure that I am passing my classes and stuff can I just stop trying now? This whole get out of bed every day thing is really getting over rated. I like doing stuff, don't get me wrong... but if I could just have a full time job that doesn't require so much energy, that would be just as dandy.

I made a stir fry tonight, it was pretty freaking delicious. I like food, its yummy. I'm actually really hungry right now, but its late (11:45pm) and my scale is a #$%@^@*ing lier (I will let you decipher which naughty word I used there).
I discovered the wonderful world of melon and raspberry yogurt, what a treat. I actually really enjoyed it. I'm still working on this whole change my eating habits thing, I suppose that in time I will get more accustomed to eating like a rabbit and perhaps one day I could grow to like grass, low calorie foods and other goodies... though I shall not make any promises.

I fear that my sarcasm has gotten the best of me today...

In other news, I got a 34/35 on the therapeutic assignment, passed the psych test and managed to pass the last two adolescence tests!

I went to Buffalo yesterday to get chicken wings with Jay, I didn't think the wings were all that fantastic, but thats just me. For a bar that boasts that they invented the chicken wing, the pretty much suck.

I went down to the Waldon Galleria, it was packed! I got a T-shirt from Torrid that I've been eying since September, Transformers baby! I'm such a kid... I had to get a smaller size, which pretty much sucked... but it will fit me better by the middle of summer, so it should be alright.

I had this crazzzzy dream last night. I'm not quite sure what it means, but I was roller blading down a ski slope... at first I was scared, then I tried it and realized it was fun... I'm not quite sure what this dream means, but I hope that it means I should work at my goals harder... and make some sacrifices that i didn't the first time around. I'm not much of a dream analyst, so I couldn't say, but I'll say it was a weird dream. If the made Rollerblades for snow sports, perhaps I'd try them... wait, actually... I don't think so lol

I don't understand why some girls dress like they are going to the club to come to school. It just doesn't make any sense, its school. I don't care if you are the princess of fucking England, don't be ridiculous. She walked in with a friend wearing "normal" everyday clothing, she doesn't need to dress like that.
I can understand dressing nice for school yes, but wearing a BRIGHT pink glitter tank top is way out of proper school attire range.

Perhaps I am being irrational, but it is ridiculous....

I'm waiting for Joanne and Chauntell to show up.... I hate group meetings, they suck. I am so glad that this is my last class presentation. Its almost over, I can taste it!

Gained weight again. I'm not even eating much. I know my limits and I stop there. I think I should stop caring, theres no point in trying to prevent the inevitable.

My Art therapy program is today. I'm slowly starting to get nervous, but a small part of me doesn't care about the outcome of this project. It is what is it, right?


I feel like I'm out of control... I don't know whats going on anymore... I feel like stopping, just taking a break, but know that life keeps moving without me. Due dates are due dates, and every little bit of procrastination hurts me in the end.

I'm slowly losing it....

and this song fits the way that I feel:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I said goodbye to completely vegetarian ways last week. I now eat chicken and try to stomach fish. I needed to kick the tofu and other soy products out of the way. They're too high in fat, not high enough in protein and lack other nutrients that my body has been deprived of for so long. I hope that the weight will start coming off easier now!

I went for a run today, my knee buckled, I have never felt such pain in my life. I stretched, then kept moving... I don't normally do that. I usually give up and sulk, but I felt like I owed myself more today. I used to run 5k no problem, now I'm lucky to be able to run half a K. I was supposed to go to the gym tonight, but I need to stop relying on Jason to go with me, he's such a push over at times. His knee hurt today, so there was no gym for us. I started feeling sick to my stomach at around 8:30ish anyway, so I guess its better that I didn't.

I still don't have a job! I have an interview next Saturday for a day camp counselor at the YMCA, which I think totally rocks! I hope that I get it, but I can't see why I wouldn't. I like kids, they like me.

I can't wait for the summer to come. I've lost interest in many things. 

I went out on Friday night with a group of friends that I haven't really been around in a long time. I was a little hesitant to go at first. It was at my exes house... It turned out good though:)

Things we're awkward at certain parts of the night.... I'll give you some examples.
1. There was a guy there that hated me the last time he saw me... he really, for some screwed up reason thought I was a bitch. The entire night he was hugging me and telling me that I rock, inviting me back over on other nights, telling me not to be such a stranger. It was awesome that things went well between us, I really thought he was going to be rude.
2. It was my exes house, he kept sitting next to me and putting his arms on me and such... too bad he made he made the decision he did three years ago. I should have asked him if the whore was worth it? oh wait, I don't care?
3. A guy that tried something horrible a few years ago was there... I hate it, period. If I could have punched him in the face and told him the way he made me feel when I was 18 I would have.
4. Awareh... the guy that I had a thing for when I was 19/20 was there... I never asked him out because he started dating someone else. A year into my relationship with Jason he tells me that my friend Mike had told him not to ask me out, because I wanted to date Mike. He's always calling me beautiful, and flirting with me. The hello hug lasted for about 10 seconds longer than it needed to, then he lifted me up...

Despite all the initial awkwardness, the party was good. I was supposed to go curling the next day at 6 am... luckily, they cancelled it... I didn't get home until 4am. I snuck in and when  I though I woke Jason up I jumped into the bed and pretended to be sleeping, once the coast was clear I got up and undressed myself. lol

anyway, I'll leave you with a picture... don't mind my chunky cheeks.


Brad, the guy who hated me one the left, me in the middle and Kris on the right



Brad on the right, Kris in the middle, me on the left.

Punked from: someoddgalaxy